Tumblr since you decided to go MIA on me at the worst possible time I have written a page long rant in windows. Now that I have some what calmed down I will not upload it to this account….can’t say the same for my private one.
What has happen today…..
A ex-guy friend is trying and pretty much succeed at erasing me from his life. Too bad I’m not as easy to get rid of as de-friending and unfollowing me. He’ll still have to see my face, I hope that haunts him.
I watched the movie Bachelorette to try and make myself feel better but that didn’t work instead it just made me realize that I have no idea what it’s like to be properly liked by a guy. It’s such a foreign concept to me, to be liked.
What I’ve learned…..
That I want to stop messing around and actually get serious about finding someone to be with. That’s easier said then done because I run a higher risk of getting hurt but I’m willing to take it now because it’s my choice.
We pass each other swiftly.
Eyes quickly go down to ground; neither of us want to make contact.
But in that moment that we are finally parallel a million memories and feelings come to life.
For a fleeting moment all those emotions and memories take control of me.
They become part of my every being.
I almost turn and say hi.
There’s no use.
You’re gone and I’m left with are memories of what was before
The only feeling I have when our passing is over is numbness
I turn back looking.
Looking back on what was once was.
Well this is a hard one to determine because I count new school years as the beginning of my year. School has just begun too so I haven’t had much time for major highs and lows. I guess my high was actually making it to school. There was a time during my senior year that my mom wasn’t sure if she was going let me go to college because I relapsed with my self harm. I know it was extremely tough for her letting me go thousands of miles away from her. It was the right choice for me to go to school far away. I needed it to learn how to be on my own and face my demons. So coming to college is my high but it also holds my lows. It’s very hard to admit to my lows. It has to deal with guys. When I feel lonely and depressed I seek some way to make myself feel wanted and less lonely and I would usually back at home seek out one guy. Here there were a bunch of new guys so I would hook up with guys to make myself feel better. This only started happening after one guy started to ignore me I felt hurt by him so I decided to show him I didn’t give two craps about him by finding other guys. That didn’t work out and I quickly realized that so I’m currently on a break from guys.
